


let me in the wall (you've built around)

by blue_roses



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Shallura Week 2016, this is gonna be happy at the end i think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-11 18:43:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7903552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_roses/pseuds/blue_roses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was pulling her long white curls back in a bun with one hand, flattening out her skirt with the other. Her foot stopped her cart from rolling away from her as she goes through the line. She quickly switched to reapplying lipstick (he was a little irritated at himself for noticing how that shade of red fit perfectly with her dark skin), something he could understand. As someone who was constantly tired, he could see exhaustion from miles away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. discovery/recovery

**Author's Note:**

> my shallura week is multichap bc i hate myself? uhh this was a lot of establishing stuff and im dying its late too rip my ass.

 If he was asked, he’d say the first time he saw her and the first time he met her were very different occasions. He first saw her in the Safeway close to the hospital, his excuse was because he was buying tea (it was one of the few things he could make), but in reality he wanted to see where his brother was applying to. He might be called overprotective, but he finds himself lacking in so many ways that he feels the need to make up for it. 

_ Well,  _ he thought,  _ at least Keith won’t have people trying to stab him here _ . Though his brother also had a terrible habit of getting himself into trouble, so he learned to be prepared. He absentmindedly grabbed some tea to put into his hand cart, and he saw her when he left the aisle to go to self check out. 

 It was around eight in the morning, and she looked like something inhuman forced her out of bed. But then, he was an early bird. It was more learned, nightmares didn’t allow him much breathing room, and he found himself comforted by getting started early. Seeing the patches of sun peek through the morning clouds was the one act of self care he was more consistent at. That and eyeliner. 

 She was pulling her long white curls back in a bun with one hand, flattening out her skirt with the other. Her foot stopped her cart from rolling away from her as she goes through the line. She quickly switched to reapplying lipstick (he was a little irritated at himself for noticing how that shade of red fit perfectly with her dark skin), something he could understand. As someone who was constantly tired, he could see exhaustion from miles away. But that wasn’t his business as he rolled his barcodes through. It was only after he starts putting his groceries in a bag that he saw her speaking. 

 Friendly looking, poised, and within the minute and a half it took for him to get his groceries bought she almost seemed like a different person. The moment she walked out, after he was about to leave, he heard a loud yawn. She was the only one he could have made it, and he wanted to laugh but that would have been beyond rude. Something about it all still managed to brighten his day. 

  The first time he  _ met  _ her, however, was in that same hospital’s group therapy session for grief counseling a month and a half later. He recognized the yawn before anything else, and then saw she was as put together as she was before at Safeway. Awkward was an understatement, he could barely look at her for a moment before they introduced themselves in a circle. When he introduced himself, he made sure to use a nickname and try to ignore the not so subtle looks at the hand shown past his long sleeved shirt. He still wasn’t used to wearing them again, and was wrestling the urge to roll them up. But that would bring a set of a questions he wasn’t planning on answering.

  “I’m Shiro, and I lost my…”  _ he wasn’t sure how to describe this. It had been a year, he lost a friend a figure and any normalcy that came with it. He lost a maybe almost lover and an arm and for lack of a better term his own sanity.  _

  “It’s quite alright not to want to speak about it,” the therapist ( _ facilitator _ , Shiro reminded himself) said. Shiro nodded in response, gave a small smile to assure he understood. There were some sympathetic glances, which Shiro also responded to in smiles. He was already tired, he didn’t even remember their names. 

 “My name is Allura,” the woman said in what resembled a British accent, “I’m here because my father was a veteran. Before he passed away.” She looked down at that, and Shiro wanted to say he knew war was hard. He’d been in it, he’d been the result of it for longer than his military service. But that would be revealing too much, he still had to be careful.  

 The session went by with introductions and guidelines, and Shiro had to run some more errands in this place, so he made sure everyone else left first. Allura, however, continued to sit.

 “This place gets crowded up again quick,” Shiro said. Allura jolted before bringing her head upwards. He noticed the way her eyes glazed over a second before it disappeared, this might be a habit for her. She smiled, tired,

  “Thank you,” Allura said, “you’re Shiro, correct?” 

  “Yeah, and you’re Allura?” as if he didn’t already know. Her name did stick out to him. 

  Allura nodded before standing up, “Yes. It’s nice to meet you.” She extended her hand, Shiro made sure to check which hand he used before shaking it. Firm, professional, must work in some business. 

 “It’s nice to meet you too,” Shiro said. She nodded, and he went for the door before holding it for her. She looked a little surprised, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he crossed some boundary without knowing. It seemed fine though, she left with a thank you, a goodbye, and he went up towards another wing. 

  Lance was someone who never failed to astound Shiro, in what way depended on the circumstances. He was technically a physical therapist on the side, and an astrophysics major during most hours. How he ended up doing this was a long story involving an internship gone wrong, an excessive amount of city college credits, and accident prone siblings. Shiro was assigned to him after returning as an attempt at hazing Lance. Somehow that turned into Shiro helping Lance with homework (barely necessary, kid was one of the smartest people he’d ever met) and romance advice (definitely necessary, he also flirted with almost anything that breathed). In return, Lance treated him like a person and helped Shiro find a home in a body that didn’t feel like anything. 

 They didn’t have official sessions anyone, but Shiro did have a habit of visiting. Lance insisted they could just go to his place, which lacked his usual innuendo. He did a few times, and Lance was so excessively neat Shiro felt a near crushing guilt if he didn’t shower that day. Or lost track of his surroundings, or did anything out of place. So he visited during Lance’s lunch breaks when he could. 

  “Shiro,” Lance groaned, “you won’t  _ believe  _ what just happened!”

  Shiro could believe just about anything at this point, “What happened?”

 Lance motioned in a couple of wild hand gestures and more groans before pushing out a chair for Shiro. Oh boy, this was going to be a long one. Though he didn’t particularly mind today, he needed to think about anything but the start of his group therapy. He’d have to open up, remember more eventually, and the thought was more frightening than everything he’d already faced. 

 “Ok,  _ soooo, _ ” Lance cleared his throat, “You know how classes started a few months ago? This semester had to take English. Which I’m not great at, shame on me for fucking around on gen ed in high school. Or freshman year. But anyhow, I’m sitting in the back, cause that’s where I focus, and there’s this dude. Looks like he never grew out of his MCR phase but whatever, I’ve been near worse! Got a fucking triple venti from Starbucks from the look of it, I only know one other person who consumes that much and she’s downright frightening sometimes. But I say hi, to be nice, and he just fucking nods before ignoring me completely. And the worst part? Two seconds later, he just  _ leaves!  _ I mean who does that, if you’re gonna screw around do it after class. He was such an asshole, ruined my whole day.”

 Shiro did not have a good feeling about this. Lance took a deep breath to continue, and Shiro definitely had an idea about where this was going. Keeping his mouth shut might just be the better option, playing mediator between his younger friend and his younger brother was not something he was paid to do. 

  “And the worst thing is,” Lance’s voice lowered, “I go to Safeway a week later. Making dinner for my roomies that night, cause only two of us can cook. Well, yeah, I was doing that. And guess who I see? Mullet! He’s got that same face at the register, so I figure, why not just remind him who I am? Asshole doesn’t even remember me! We’d been in the same class for a month, who the hell does that? And my friends practically adopted the guy after that, so now I eat with him and his stupid pretty face everyday and how he acts like he suddenly I dunno, doesn’t hate me. But it’s too late, we’re rivals now, him with his smug face after he got a better score in English today,” Lance proceeded to do an imitation of who Shiro now knew was his brother that was misunderstood with a few strangely accurate points. Shiro wondered how he got himself in any of this, but he only had to look in the mirror for that answer. 

 “Hey,” Shiro was about to say something along the lines of either  _ I feel a need to establish I’m the only one who can make fun of Keith that way  _ or  _ maybe just talk to the guy in your class _ , before someone slammed the door open. He looked up only to see Allura once more, frazzled like she’d been to hell and back.

  “Where. Is. Coran,” Her blue eyes almost seemed like they were glowing, and Shiro quickly picked up on the fact she was talking to Lance. Coran in Lance’s boss, who had about the strangest hiring policies that always ended up working out. Shiro had met him a handful of times, Coran always seemed busy doing some bizarre thing. Allura probably didn’t even notice he was here, and he figured it was best to stay quiet.

 “Hi Allura,” Lance smiled but Shiro could feel his nerves, “how are you? Do you want some tea, my pal Shiro always brings some? My boss just left?” 

  “Why do I not bel--” Allura let out a gasp, her head turned to Shiro, and their eye contact is brief enough for both of them to confirm each other’s existence. Lance looked between the both of them, though when they meet gazes Lance did what was possibly the most obnoxious eyebrow waggle Shiro had ever seen. 

 “Oh,” Allura let out a sigh, “I’m so sorry you had to see that.” She looked like she wanted to say something else, and Shiro waited for a few moments before realizing she wasn’t going to say anything. Lance still looked a little confused, Shiro would explain quickly. Later.

 “It’s no problem, you probably didn’t expect to see me here, I get it. But I can tell you Coran isn’t here, haven’t seen any of his ‘unique’ sweaters lying in the room, ” Allura chuckled at the last part. Even though the comment wasn’t that funny, Shiro still felt a little proud of himself. Her shoulders relaxed a bit, Shiro made a point to ignore Lance’s not so subtle smiles. 

 “Well, at least I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. I’ll go try to find him, have a nice day,” Allura once again started to multitask to make herself seem more put together. Instead of the shopping cart, she was pushing the door open with her foot. 

 “Wait,” Shiro said, “you seem tired. You sure you don’t want a breather? I think we both know Coran will make his presence known somehow.” 

 Allura’s eyebrows quirked up, she looked around for a moment before removing her foot from the door. She went to sit at the table Shiro and Lance were, equidistant from both of them. She dug out a pack of playing cards and put them on the table. 

 “Thank you--” Allura took out the cards from the box-- “the truth is, this as close to relaxing as I’ll get right now. Would you two like to play?” 

 Shiro nodded in response, and he saw Lance do the same from the corner of his vision. Allura decided the game, the pace, and her own repeated victory at about anything that required a bluff. Lance couldn’t keep a straight face, and Shiro sometimes brushed up to her level before she won again. 

 Within twenty minutes, Lance was called out of break, departing with an exaggerated wink and mouthing a  _ feelin’ the love  _ at Shiro when Allura was shuffling the cards. He won about three times, in tense matches. Shiro did let himself gloat a bit, and Allura got him back for that in full. Shiro wasn’t used to not treading lightly in interactions, and even though he knew he’d have to, he let himself enjoy this. They became increasingly more childish as they play, and really, Shiro was trying to have a Schedule before this. 

 They were only interrupted by the vibration of his phone. Shiro recognized it as his own ringtone right after Allura started dealing cards for another game. He took out his phone to see a reminder that it’s thirty minutes before he has to get home. 

 “You have to go?” Allura asked.

 “Yeah,” Shiro said, “but it was nice playing cards. I’ll see you...around?”

 “That we will, maybe with the slim chance you’ll win again,” Allura nearly grinned. Shiro would be more offended if he wasn’t thinking about how he’d never seen her like this. Of course he hadn’t, this was only their second (third?) encounter. 

  “I’m a fast learner you know--” Shiro stood up and put his phone in his pocket-- “I’d be careful if I were you.” 

 “ _ No, no, no. You’re fast at adjusting, rolling with the punches, all that cool shit. Learning is a whole different thing. You can win the battle, but in the war I’ll always be on top.” _

_ “Are you sure you’re not saying that because your sister beat your high score in that old game?” _

_  “It’s Asteroids! I thought you knew this, been in the same mission forever, known each other longer and you still can’t get that right Shiro.” _

_   “There are plenty of things I can get right, isn’t that why you love me--oh. Shit.” _

_   “Well, you’re not wrong…”  _

Allura said something, Shiro wished he could hear it instead of being angry at himself. It was a misstep, in wording, leading to a misstep in thoughts and another mistake. He wanted to be alone, so he’d ask if Keith was home and hope he was. Instead of going back to his phone, he said his goodbyes and walked. 

 He thought he was supposed to be better. It’d been a year, he should have made amends and been better. No one blamed him who knew, and everyone who didn’t Shiro went through hell and back to make sure they never found out. It might be a shame thing, or a PTSD thing, but he was never taught how to unwind himself into something resembling a human being. He didn’t want to forget where the day went, just wanted his mind to be selective and let that all fade away. The rest could stay, the rest could stay.

 Shiro should have really expected not to end up home when his mind cleared. He ended up between two Arusian streets he didn’t know. It had been an hour, and Shiro couldn’t retrace his steps. As if his phone was supplying him with all the worldly answers, the ringtone he set for Keith plays from his pocket. 

 “Are you lost?” Keith asked, always straight to the point.

 “I am,” Shiro chuckled, “but don’t worry about it. I’ll call a taxi or something.”

 “I’m picking you up,” Keith said, “where are you?” 

 Shiro then read off the signs, because he knew his brother would drive through the entire city to find him. It only took Keith fifteen minutes to do so, and he didn’t answer when Shiro asked him if he was speeding. Shiro could connect the dots when Keith goes a bit slower on the way back. 

 “How was your day?” Shiro asked, “Would you mind talking to me about it?”

Keith handed Shiro the glass of water he didn’t know he needed. They sat down on the couch, and Keith takes a sip of his incredibly sugary Starbucks drink. Keith opened his mouth, Shiro nodded in response.

 “Uh,” Keith started, “I made some new friends.”

 Shiro wanted to grin and ask for evidence at the same time. He knew his brother, that he had a tough time making friends for a while. He was glad that this was happening in college, Shiro certainly needed that. Instead, he and every friend he ever seemed to make were separated, whether it was because of the military or...because of the military.

 “What are they like?” Shiro asked.

Keith narrowed his eyes, his expression formed into something he’d refuse to admit was a pout, “You know I’m not good at this stuff.”

“Think of it as a new college experience,” Shiro grinned, “new friends, new need to articulate things to your older brother.”

 “Sure,” Keith sighed, “but I did make friends. They approached me in the library because all the tables were filled a few weeks ago, and I just realized I made friends? Today? I’m glad though, because they’re really nice. One of them figured out neither of us were good cooks and started to sneak dinner into my bag. He wasn’t that subtle, but my other friend always put it back in when I didn’t notice. So I have dinner now. They offered for me to come over but this guy was there and it would have been weird.”

 “What guy?” Shiro raised his eyebrows and smiled in a way that reminded him too much of Lance. Keith murmured something along the lines of  _ just a guy _ . Shiro might love his brother with all his heart, but he will also never pass up an opportunity to rib him a bit.

 “Keith--” Shiro leaned a bit closer-- “do you have a  _ crush? _ ”

 “He hates me. I’m making dinner. In the microwave,” Keith sat up after that and Shiro couldn’t help the quiet laughter that came out. He might not be able to play mediator, but he made a damn good matchmaker a few years back. The thought of being able to help Keith the way Keith has helped him makes Shiro feel a bit better. As they ate dinner together at their small table, Shito hoped he’d get sleep tonight.

 Shiro did not dream well. Which wasn’t surprising, though what was was the fact he couldn’t remember any of it. He woke up twice, remembered the fear and panic and jolts of pain, but for the first time in a long time he didn’t remember the content of the dream. If he wanted to, he could connect the dots. He didn’t. Instead he went up to eat toast and get to work.

 Shiro worked at the post office, something everyone he met was surprised by. Lance was the one who outright said it was a shitty idea to strain himself right out of therapy, but Shiro did it anyways. He liked his job to an extent, he was patient with difficulties and was able to make deliveries with relative ease. The best part, however, was the fact he barely had to check the time. Most people would, for their next break or to time themselves. But Shiro knew he was efficient, the military teaches you that. 

 His days, hours, minutes would blend into each other. He knew some names and faces on a regular basis, but he always avoided referring to them as anything. People thought it was his need to be proper, it was actually a failsafe in case he forgot who was there. Or what he was doing, sticking to the script helped with that. 

 He knew this location was new, he was rarely in this part of town. It was closest to downtown, the local government, and the money that flowed here. He preferred more residential areas most of the time, unless they had loud dogs. Shiro was a dog and a cat person, but he also couldn’t stand sudden loud noise.

 He only had to ring the doorbell once to hear the clacking of heels, the unlocking of a door, and  _ her _ . Shiro wondered if this was some bad movie, because this was too much for him. Allura, halfway into getting ready seemed just as surprised as he did.

 “Hi,” Shiro said, “could you sign this package?”

 “Of course,” Allura said. He noticed the ballpoint pen to ignore the grating sound of her writing. Well, not her writing, but the circumstances behind it. He wasn’t even making sense in his own head again, great. 

  “I have a few more deliveries to make, but I’ll see you soon?” Shiro didn’t know how to deal with this.

  “Ah, I’m about to do some work as well. I’ll see you again,” her smile almost made him forget the fact that they both were in the same group therapy. He didn’t want to pry, nor did he have to. People keep busy to keep themselves together, he knew he did it, and she probably did as well. 

He finished the rest of his deliveries in a haze after she shut the door, and he had a feeling something was pulling him towards her.

_ “Call me a romantic, but I actually like the idea of soulmates.” _

_  “I’ll settle for calling you a sap. I can’t believe I actually thought you were cool.” _

_  “I can be cool, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” _

_  “Well, even though I know you’re in denial--” _

_  “Wow. Thanks.” _

_  “Anyways. Even though I know this, you’ll always be the most admirable person I’ve ever met.” _

_  “...holy shit.” _

_  “Made you speechless didn’t I?” _

_  “Now if I could only do the same to you.” _

_  “You can. If you’re so sappy, let’s say there’s a force pulling us right now. Together, why not put it to good use?” _

_  “That sounded better in your head didn’t it?” _

_  “Shut up…” _

__ At least it wouldn’t be like that. At least he’d be able to have a friend in this group that shared grief, maybe. He wouldn’t mind that as much as he thought he would. 

 Days later, Shiro shared the fact that he lost someone he was in love with. That he was killed, and when he said there was an open investigation, the room went quiet. The silence suited him fine for a few seconds, then he just wanted to move on. He never could in his waking world, but he should at least have that privilege here. 

 “My father was killed as well,” the voice said. Allura’s voice. Shiro looked at her for clarification, a discovery he didn’t know he was curious about. He didn’t get any.

 At least, he didn’t think he did until they were both alone after therapy. He had a feeling she was intentionally here this time. She looked around to make sure no one was around, checked her phone for the time, and cleared her throat.

 “We were both forged from war,” she stated.

  “I suppose we were,” he said, “does that bother you?”

  Allura shook her head, “It’s strangely comforting, to know that someone shares a sense of loss that always comes from seeing someone die at the hands of war. My father taught me how to be a soldier, but I never learned to grieve until it was too late.”

   “I understand. I didn’t...know either,” he didn’t say anymore because he felt it was enough. It was. She didn’t speak up again, he didn’t either. He wanted to believe there was a silent understanding that they were there for each other when others didn’t understand. 

 Shiro joined the army because he was equal parts a dreamer and desperate. He was on a mission with two men from a military family, one of which he fell in love with. He lost them both at the same time, and it was so stifling to know he was helpless. To see the blood, hear the screams and flesh and everything that made this war inhumane in a single moment. Allura had a story as well, one of similar trauma that led her here. If she wanted to heal, and discover like he did, then they could maybe mean something to each other. He’d like that more than he was willing to admit. 


	2. bridges/tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shiro makes progress, allura gets lost in translation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOES A FEW MINUTES LATE STILL COUNT. i hope yall like this cause i have no idea waht i just wrote

 They ended up getting coffee. Shiro felt a need to lighten the mood for both their sakes, and Allura recommended a place she liked. It was crowded, and they both had things to do afterwards (Shiro wanted to finish Keith’s financial aid forms, Allura had more work at home she wanted to finish) so they took their drinks to go. Shiro usually walked home for the exercise and as a safety measure, and Allura had a car that was parked a block or so away. When they reached her car, she opened the passenger’s seat first. 

 “Quiznak,” she said, “forgot where the seat was. Fucking America.” He didn’t think she knew he heard her until she saw his face. Her expression barely changed.

 “What?” she asked. 

 “Nothing,” he cleared his throat, “is quiznak some sort of slang?” Wow. Shiro somehow managed to be more awkward than he had been this entire afternoon. In his defense, he wasn’t that great with slang. Keith has however shown him a few memes, and this might be one of them.

 “It is,” Allura said, “in my native language. Similar to ‘fuck’.” Shiro couldn’t hide his surprise very well, but he was also kind of relieved it wasn’t some new meme. There’s no way he’d force himself to ask Keith about it. No way. 

 “Wow,” Shiro said.

 “Wow, “ Allura repeated, smiling, “I do have to go though. I have court tomorrow.”

  “Bye,” Shiro said, “I’ll see you?”

  “Count on it,” Allura went into the right side of the car before opening the door. Shiro might have waved for a little too long. He wasn’t keeping track. He really, really wasn’t. His mind faded out for a bit after that, he couldn’t remember the walk home if he asked. But that wasn’t a bad thing, he found himself back at his place on a lazy afternoon. Keith had left a note saying he was with friends. 

 Shiro got into sweatpants before he could do much else, turned on the TV, and tried to let himself relax. He couldn’t, not really. He had the day off, he’d been forced to make sure of that. But if he wasn’t doing something he was doing  _ nothing  _ and nothing wasn’t good enough for him. Shiro cleaned, he cleaned twice. But it was too pristine for him to find any mistakes in, so he looked up a routine and did it. He was in the middle of one when he got a phone call.

 “It’s Katie,” the voice said. Shiro didn’t even remember picking up the phone.

  “You know I can’t help you,” if he could have, he would have a year ago when everything was almost fresh. Except it still was, he’d forgotten for his protection before. When the memories came back, he was told to put it all behind him. He never could, and Katie Holt still called him. 

 “No,” Katie paused, “it’s not that. I mean, I just wanted to say...thank you.”

  “For what?” Shiro asked.

Silence. Then a chuckle. He’d been told Katie’s laugh lifted spirits, he wish he’d believed them. When he was told about her, it felt like he was part of their family. He hoped she was well, he could hear the joy in her voice.

 “Holy shit,” she said.

 “Language,” he said, out of habit mostly. Keith was especially foul mouthed when he was in high school, and Shiro became more of a father than he ever expected to be. 

 “Y’know,” Katie sighed, “you did a lot for me. Just...letting me call you. I liked it, you were like, my brother in law...or a dad. This is so awkward! I was thinking about shit, and what I said to you was so awful. I know I was grieving, and I still am, but so are you Shiro. Anyways, I’m sorry, I still like talking to you. You kinda remind me of home but in a good way, and I was gonna ask something but it sounds really…”

 “Ask,” Shiro said, “I haven’t judged you so far, though I will if you keep up with the foul mouth.”

 “Fucking  _ hell _ ,” Katie grunted. 

 “Katie,” Shiro said. He was trying to hold back his laughter, if he was being honest with himself.

  “Fucking heck,” Katie said, “anyways, I kinda was thinking about this. For like a few weeks after you said you were getting counseling, and I was like, we’ve never really met. And I wanted to change that, because I’ve seen you work towards something, and I want you to see me now. Like four days ago I got news that I can do a bunch of new research for aeronautics and I’m super excited and I can’t explain what it means right to anyone but you now.”

  Shiro didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t this. Never this. He’d been called comforting, but he was always terrified when he had someone else’s emotions in his hands. He knew he had to be careful, and liked to believe he would be, that was the thing she deserved.

 “When do you want me to see it?” He asked.

 “Next week?” she asked. 

 “That’s good, just tell me what time and I’ll be there,” he wanted her to know he meant it. For the first time in...for the first time in a while he felt like he didn’t fail them. By the sound of things, she probably thought so too. At least he hoped she did. He heard chatter in the background, someone named Hunk asking if she was okay. He was still smiling at the thought that she wasn’t alone anymore when she hurriedly hung up the phone.

 He took a shower, tried not to think too much about anything negative, and turned on his laptop to marathon Project Runway. Lance had mentioned it reminded him of his siblings, and Shiro attached himself to Tim Gunn almost immediately. He was still watching when Keith came home, with more food from his kind friend. Keith watched half an episode before the “blood orange comment” came. Shiro couldn’t stop laughing at the pure  _ frustration  _ that crossed his brother’s face.

 Shiro tried to sleep, he didn’t much. But it was better, and that worked just fine for him. Better was a start, better made faces shine with pride and a version of him that could get up in the morning a little more whole. He woke up at 5 AM, took a jog and paid attention to the green and thought of people he couldn’t return to. It took him forty five minutes to get out of the bathtub, he arrived at work thirty minutes early so he felt a little more in place. 

 He ended up delivering to Allura’s place, sliding the package in the mail slot right after waiting a little longer than expected. The rest of work went fine, a child gave him a Chips Ahoy, people asked how his day was and he said  _ “It’s going well,”  _ while knowing he was disconnected. He hated it, how this was required of him, how he needed to be brought down but never for too long. 

 A coworker, Cindy, asked if he forgot to eat lunch. He was about to lie, he didn’t want to make anyone worried, but she handed him a granola bar and told him to take a break. He didn’t remember much of what happened after that, except that he ended up home, knowing the day would repeat but still watching Project Runway.  

 The door slammed, and Shiro reached for a knife before he saw Keith, breathing heavily. He was wide eyed and confused, probably ran in a need to vent out without punching somebody. Shiro hoped it didn’t come to that.

 “What happened, are you okay?” Shiro asked. Keith stalked over, but not before locking the door, plopping next to Shiro on the couch.

 “The guy flirted with someone in front of me,” Keith mumbled, “asshole probably knows I like him. She was pretty too. She asked about you and wanted me to give you this,” Keith places a previously crumpled paper into Shiro’s hand.

 “Who was this?” Shiro asked, he’s not sure which  _ who  _ he was talking about. But next time he sees Lance, he’s going to have a very long talk. 

 “The woman, her name was Allura she said she wanted to give you something,” Shiro looks down to see a phone number. He might be happier about it if his brother wasn’t being aggressively jealous, and Shiro was reminded he  _ definitely  _ needed to have a talk with Lance. 

 “I want ice cream,” Keith said. 

 “You’re lactose intolerant,” Shiro said, “you were tested for this. In a hospital, I remember because I paid for it.”

  “I don’t care,” Keith said, “everyone says ice cream makes you feel better. So I want it.”

 Shiro sighed, “What about TV? We can watch Lost Tapes, even if it’s fake.”

  “It’s not fake,” Keith narrowed his eyes, “but okay.” Shiro didn’t bother getting into the literal proof the show was faked, instead looking up an episode and trying not to laugh whenever the word  _ chupacabra  _ came up. Keith would probably kill him, he took these things very seriously, even though Shiro would probably die of laughter if a chupacabra came for him.

 After Keith went into his room after a blow up of notifications Shiro insisted he didn’t ignore, Shiro entered a new contact into his phone. She did mention something about court, and Shiro was curious so he looked up  _ Allura lawyer  _ and...wow. 

 Shiro was never up with the times, but apparently she was an ADA who worked on several cases. Coming from a small foreign nation of Altea, Allura became a citizen a few years ago, and has been working ever since. There wasn’t much about her, which Shiro didn’t know if he was relieved about or not. So he figured, why not ask about court? 

 

**You:** hi it’s shiro i heard you talked to my little brother? How was court?

**Allura:** hello! I did talk to him he seemed like he was a good heart trapped in a sturdy spirit? Is that a saying here? But court was fine, i can’t say much but I wanted to thank you for talking with me.

**You:** of course i’m happy to help :) but i’ve never heard that saying before?

**Allura:** ah. That makes sense, it’s similar to something in my native tongue, it makes more sense out of translation.

**You:** i get it. My brother and i aren’t as good at japanese as we want to be, bc we speak english all the time, but sometimes we try and practice with each other when there are things that are harder to describe in english. 

**Allura:** yes i do the same thing with coran, i prefer speaking it alone though, people don’t like it when i sound too foreign. Nor did they believe me when i said my hair was naturally that light, so i try and curb myself a bit.

**You:** oh. I feel the same way, except when we’re in markets or crowds so i can tell him where i am. Or when i end up delivering to people who speak it, it’s nice. I’m glad keith and i both managed to learn it. 

**Allura:** i’m glad as well. Language is what brings us back to a home, whether we know it well or not. 

**You:** the language or home?

**Allura:** both i suppose. Though i’m fluent and i remember home, so i don’t think i apply

**Allura:** the reason i asked your brother for your cell was because you gave me something and in my culture you always give back what you owe.

**You:** there’s no need to worry about it. I’m not sure what i did, but thanks is enough.

**Allura:** no, no, i’d like to do this. I’m not sure why, but i feel like you’ve given me something in this country that makes me feel better about the way things are

**You:** i would have worded it poorly but i think i feel the same way, like a friendship? Or the beginning of one i’m not sure if that’s what you meant.

**Allura:** it is.

**Allura:** thank you shiro i appreciate it. I have to get back to work, i’ll talk to you later

**You:** okay, i’ll see you allura

 

 Shiro was still thinking about it. The fact he made a friend, a friend who carried grief but seemed to carry on much better than he did. He didn’t see how he helped her, but if he could continue that he would. He didn’t want to lose anyone, to outside circumstances or themselves.

 Shiro didn’t realize he was smiling until Keith barged into the main room again, still agitated. But there was something else in his eyes that Shiro waited to figure out. Keith once again sat down next to Shiro, made sure he was facing Keith, and made eye contact.

 “Celebratory X-Files?” Shiro asked.

  “I have a boyfriend,” Keith said, “I can’t believe this. What the hell. I’m dating a guy who’s a selfless asshole and I like him? His name is Lance and we’re watching celebratory X-Files.” 

 They both watched until four in the morning, until Shiro (who knew he wouldn’t get sleep) told Keith (who should get sleep as he was a growing college student) to go to bed. Keith said something about Shiro not having to act the dad, but did so anyways. Shiro stayed up another half an hour and dreamed about a language he didn’t know the language after the flashbacks. 

 Days later, Shiro sat in a circle and listened. He tried to stay present, even when he slipped out he managed to shake himself out of it with his memory slightly more intact. He heard Allura say something and did his best to pay attention, he owed her that much.

 “My father was a soldier,” she said, “so...he never stopped fighting. He’d face every day as a battle, and taught me to be the same way. I’m here because when he passed, I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I came here, and I wanted to thank you for sharing your stories.” There was some validation, a couple finger snaps, and him. When she looked at him, he made sure to smile. He was quiet until the end.

 “I talked with their family--” Shiro ran his hands through his hair -- “everyone seems like they’re moving forward, and I think I’d like to join them.” 

_ “I want you to move in with me when we get out of here.” _

_  “Don’t you still live with your family?” _

_  “They’ll love you. Half of us do, and I talk about you with my sister. Her name’s Katie, she made fun of me for having a crush on you.” _

_  “She’s also the one who beat you in Asteroids. And Mario Kart. And did you just admit you had a crush on me?” _

_  “You don’t need to point that out.” _

_  “I really do actually, just so I can say that would be great. Though you’d be moving in with me, Keith is staying at the dorms for college. It’ll work.” _

_  “Wow, the tables sure did turn there.” _

_  “So...is it good?” _

_  “It’s great, we’ll be great Shiro.” _

 

__ It didn’t turn out that way. Shiro was still in the circle, long after everyone left. Except her. He hoped he’d said goodbye properly. 

“You did, that’s why people thought you weren’t dissociated,” Allura said. Oh. He said that out loud didn’t he. He really was out of it. 

 “Oh,” Shiro said. He didn’t know what else to say. He needed some time, to shake out of it and see if the person who came out on the other end was a little bit better. Shiro hoped he was. 

 “Would you like to get coffee again?” Allura asked.

  “That would be nice,” Shiro said. He didn’t need coffee to stay awake, but Allura probably knew that. They walked out together in silence, he noticed her purse her lips as if she was trying to say something.

  “What are you thinking about?” Shiro asked. Allura turned to him, face still scrunched in concentration. He didn’t want to admit it was endearing. It was endearing. 

  “How to translate an Altean phrase,” Allura said, “I think it would serve as a comfort, but it needs to be done properly.”

 “You don’t need to comfort me,” Shiro chuckled, but it felt hollow even to him. Allura narrowed her eyes in response before turning to open the door to the coffee shop in a fluid motion. She made sure to hold the door for him as well.

 “I believe I do,” Allura said, “I don’t want anyone to suffer like this. But I also like things to be well executed…”

“No wonder you’re a lawyer,” Shiro ordered for the both of them in return. He noticed Allura’s surprise that he remembered her order. He was surprised too. 

 “I’m not sure how to feel about that statement,” Allura said, “so I’ll leave it at this: this whole group therapy situation is downright frightening. But we know each other a bit now, so I’m comfortable saying we’re in this together. I’ll be happy to remind you of that whenever needed.”

 Shiro sat down first, after picking up the orders. He was silent as he found a table, and only decided to speak after she sat down. It did take him a few seconds to settle for saying a few words instead of something as articulate as what she said. 

 “Thank you,” he said. Allura took a sip of her drink before smiling in a way he thought was a mix of happiness he accepted her words and smugness over the fact that she was right. He had a feeling she was used to always being right.

 “I’m not great with words,” Shiro started, “science was always more my thing. I’d remember things that inspired me and say them to others, and apparently people thought I was more articulate than I actually am. The point is though, is that you don’t need to worry about translation, just tell me one day. Whether it’s in translation or in your native language, get it out. It’ll help.”

 “You know, you should really take your own advice,” Shiro had to make sure Allura was still smiling. It was well intentioned, even though it was correct, he’d have to get used to that. 

 “You might be right, but then so am I,” he tried his best smug look.

 “You do have a point…” Allura trailed off, “but I have a schedule. I said I was going to do more work for some unholy reason, even though today is the only day my boss respects as a day off. Good luck following your own advice, I’ll text you.” He said his goodbye, and she walked away with her coffee in hand. Shiro still didn’t know how she managed to get herself so put together in brief periods of time, though people said the same things about him and he knew that wasn’t true. 

 He went home afterwards, ordered food after Keith said he was coming back from work late. Safeway might not get him stabbed, but it did give him ridiculous work hours. Shiro wondered if showing his arm to Keith’s supervisor would help cut him a little slack before remembering that would be a terrible idea. He didn’t notice the text until a few hours later, after he heated up food for Keith and was about to watch something.

 Shiro couldn’t pronounce the words if he tried, even though  _ quiznak  _ was surprisingly simple. He didn’t bother with Google Translate, instead letting himself imagine pronunciation, what she meant. Maybe she’d figure out the best translation one day, but he had a feeling they both had the time for her to make it work.

 

__

 


	3. duty/sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shiro takes a few walks, he takes a few calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM LATE and done w myself jfc...but yes this is day three and i really liked writing certain interactions B)c

 Shiro woke up on a Tuesday morning, sweaty and teary eyed (that hadn’t happened in a while), and knew he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He could barely shower, if sitting in a bathtub without the showerhead on counts, and came out wearing a blue sweater over his work uniform. Keith took one look at him trying to leave the house and called him in sick.

 “I can’t just do nothing, you know this,” Shiro knew he sounded whiny and found himself not caring. Keith gave him a deadpan look he must have learned from Shiro’s many disappointed expressions. 

 “You’re going to do nothing, and I’m going to relax before classes,” Keith’s form of relaxation was working himself to death at the gym. Which he definitely got from Shiro, so he couldn’t necessarily call his brother out. Shiro could do the same thing, but his body felt so sluggish it was like he was hungover. He knew he wasn’t, even if Keith seemed doubtful when he left the apartment. Older siblings always knew best.

 Three minutes later, Shiro attempted to dial work, only to get a barrage of texts from Keith, all saying roughly the same thing:  _ I know, and I’m not gonna let you call in.  _ Shiro gave up after the fifth attempt, and could barely lift much of anything. There was still Project Runway, a loyal source of entertainment, but he had to shut his laptop. The colors stood out too much, he tried to close his eyes and not think of war. 

 He failed. He couldn’t sleep, and even laying down with his eyes closed didn’t help. A few minutes later, he didn’t have to worry about it. Because Keith came home, and that might distract him a bit. 

 “How long have you been there?” Keith asked.

 “Don’t you have class?” Shiro asked, “It’s only been a few minutes, are you sure you’re not gonna be late?” From the look on Keith’s face, it probably wasn’t actually a few minutes. Probably dissociation again, something everyone said he shouldn’t get used to. It was a bit too late for that. 

 “It’s been five hours, Tuesdays are my long days,” Keith said, “I’ll heat some tea.”

 Shiro felt a small smile tug at him, “Do you even know how to do that?”

 “...I’ll do it. Watch me.” Shiro did watch him actually do it. He’d forget to drink, Keith would remind Shiro to do so while he did his homework. Sometimes Keith’s phone would vibrate, and he’d smile when he thought Shiro didn’t notice. 

 “Lance?” Shiro asked. Keith’s head jerked upwards, looking scandalized and shocked, as if it wasn’t incredibly obvious. As soon as Shiro saw the slight blush on his face, he looked back down again.

 “...yeah,” Keith said. Soon after he started texting again, blocking Shiro’s view as if he’d peek. Shiro didn’t peek on purpose...after he was fifteen.

 “Oh--” Shiro pulled out his phone-- “speaking of Lance, I should text him.”

 Keith’s eyes narrowed, “Why do you have his number?”

 “Because he works at the hospital I go to?” Shiro said, “I swear I told you this. Or meant to.”   
 “You literally never told me this?” Shiro wished he could figure out what to do about this. He thought Keith’s voice sounded sharp, angry, but he also thought that the red disco lights were snipers the  _ one  _ time he was dragged to a club.  

  “I didn’t,” Shiro said, “I thought you knew for some reason, I’m sorry.” Keith looked a little surprised, which didn’t make much sense to him. Instead of dwelling too much, he reached for his phone to tell Lance that Keith was his brother. Which was something he thought everyone knew, especially since Lance was one of the few people who knew about the origins of his prosthetic and paler skin. He should stop making those assumptions, but he doesn’t think he’ll be able to soon. 

 “Don’t worry, it was just a misunderstanding,” Keith looked up at him, “though if you text him can you ask him if he wants to go on a date tomorrow? At the cafe near the hospital?”

 “I love you, but I am also not doing that--” Keith pouted in response -- “you stop that.”

 “Fuck off, can’t believe you won’t let me live,” Keith was still pouting. Shiro looked away, he wouldn’t admit he was still weak to Keith’s Little Brother Puppy Dog Eyes. Oh, Lance was going to have fun with that. 

  “I’ll let you live when you’re out of your honeymoon phase, I bet you stare at his eyes  _ all  _ the time,” Shiro laughed when Keith swatted his arm.

 “I hate you so much,” Keith said, “I hope you know this and--” A song started playing. Specifically  _ Fly Me to the Moon _ , and Shiro started howling in laughter. Keith was flushed grabbing his phone and storming off into his room like he was fifteen. Shiro didn’t stop laughing, even yelling out for them to have a good time on their honeymoon. Keith responded by throwing a slipper at Shiro before slamming the door. 

 Shiro was still laughing when he got a phone call, only managing to calm himself down to answer his cell. He picked it up, still holding his breath until he heard the other end of the line. Heavy breathing, and her voice. 

 “Are you there?” Allura asked, “I’m sorry for the trouble, I just needed to ask something of you.”

  “What is it?” Shiro felt too quiet on his own end, even Keith’s loud whispers felt like white noise. He could hear her exhale over the phone.

  “I believe I left something... _ fuck  _ I can’t do this,” Allura said, “my apologies you should get back to your work--”

  “No!” Shiro was so loud he startled himself, but this wasn’t about him, “You can...talk. I’m not sure if that’s what you want.”

 He could hear her sigh, “I'm not sure. What I wanted, that is. I've gone jogging done work but I need to do more.”

 “I have the day off,” Shiro said, “my brother forced me to stay. I can talk if you want me to.” 

 “That would be appreciated, but you can't turn on the news. You're going to promise me this, okay?” Her voice went steely on the other end.

 “I won't,” Shiro said, “I hardly check it. I trust you.” In a sense. He couldn't trust anyone with the brunt of his memories, his trauma. But he thought there was a trust there, he hoped so.

 “I trust you, or I think I'm starting to,” Allura said, “but I suppose I need to think out loud. I've always felt obligated to succeed, it was passed down to me. Yet I've been exhausted since this entire weekend.”

 “And you feel like you shouldn't be? I couldn't get up and out without my brother forcing me down. Felt awful about it and I still can't remember what happened those past few hours,” Shiro chuckled at the last part, even though it wasn't funny.

 “Then get rest, but don't be a lazy lump. That'll make you feel even worse, like me,” her laugh was humorless. Shiro felt a need to do something, to help her, he couldn't really. All he could do was talk.

 “You're working hard, there's no need to be so down on yourself,” he said. He hoped those were the right words.

 “It isn't enough, and it's only fair to be hard on myself. I'm hard on everyone else as well,” he could see that, he'd only known her for a few weeks but it was clear. 

 “I'm hard on myself too,” Shiro said, “I felt like I had to make up for circumstances. For the people I failed.” He didn't elaborate, he trusted her to know and himself to stay quiet. It felt natural, and he enjoyed the feeling.

 “You didn't fail,” Allura said, “people and homes are taken away from us. We make the best of it. But if you're feeling this way, maybe there's something you're forgetting. It happened to me, I had a migraine when I forgot a date for a festival. I ended up celebrating in my office, but it counted.”

 “Did it remind you of home?” Shiro asked. He didn't remember his concept of home, it's turning into this apartment. The change was something he didn't know if he wanted.

 “It did,” Allura sighed, “it wasn't ideal, but it was enough.”

 “I'm happy for you,” he meant it.

 “Thank you,” he hoped she meant it.

 “Well,” Shiro asked, “are you thinking about home now?” 

 “I always am. That's what keeps me going. I don't plan on forgetting that,” she said it with so much confidence it scared him. He knew what he was supposed to be obligated to, what remained of the Holt family, his brother, his memories. And he was, he gripped to some as a lifeline, others as a reason for being. 

 “I don't either. Family was what kept on leaving my grasp, I don't want to let it go again,” she hummed in what he thought was agreement. Her presence felt clear to him even though he could hear her working. He wasn't doing anything spectacular, he envied her for that. 

 “I have to go now,” Allura said, “thank you Shiro.” 

 “Of course, goodbye Allura,” Shiro was more quiet than he needed to be. It was as if they were closer than they were. He hung up first, which brought him control and disappointment at the same time. He only knew where the first one came from. Shiro treated himself to take out, Keith went out of his room. They ate together, joked about things, and Shiro almost felt better.

 Almost. It was when he washed the eyeliner off his face. When he saw his bare face in the mirror, he thought of the past. Remembered a day, a place. 

 “Shit,” Shiro said, mostly to himself. He checked the date, it was today. No wonder. He didn’t go to the anniversaries, chose not to approach anyone in their times of need. He came at night, where no one could see the grief and no one knew he was there. The Holts he knew (or knew of) were good people, and he couldn’t bring himself to put his grief on them. 

 He went outside, “Keith, could I have some paper?”

 Keith gets some blank sheets, and puts them where Shiro’s plate was. Shiro sat down and folded in silence. He’d memorized the types of flowers, how to fold them for this. He couldn’t spend the money on flowers, didn’t want people to catch him (what  _ for? _ ). It was something he kept to himself, his one person audience, and the spirits he hoped rested in a cemetery. He put them in a basket and Keith tossed him his keys. 

 “Good luck,” Keith said. It was what he always said, the one thing Shiro would accept.

 “Thanks, I’ll need it,” Shiro was always sorely in need of it. This would still be his duty, he’d already gotten used to the repetition. 

 Shiro always walked there. It was something, the moments to prepare the appropriate amount of grief, that he wouldn’t let go of. He’d stopped using names for the faces, the people he’d never forget. Those were reserved for the cemetery. 

 

_ “The truth is, I want to be in one of those...trees. When I die. I wanna be part of the earth. Katie likes forests, my whole family does. I want them to feel a bit happy visiting, y’know?” _

_  “I think it’s called a bio urn. But don’t talk about dying, we’re gonna make it.” _

_  “I wish I could be so sure.” _

_  “Then take some of my sureness. We can balance out, it’s how we work.” _

_  “Ha...I’d apprecia--” _

_  “M---! Are you o--y? P--ase stay! L--ve! No, no no, no--S--uel, do you copy? Do y-- copy do you c--” _

__

He said it was the  fifteen minute walk he sorely needed. A reminder. Lance called him a masochist, but never judged him for it. Keith stayed back. Katie never knew, she’d feel a need for him to join her and the other Holts, he couldn’t have that luxury. He arrived around eight, paper flowers in a basket. Someone with short hair was standing in front of the graves, someone who ran towards him. It was...a hug? 

 “I had a feeling you’d be here,” Katie said, “I kinda hacked your email with a phishing email. You’re really bad with technology. I’m Katie. Or Pidge, my friends call me that now.”

  “What do you want me to call you?” Shiro asked, because he didn’t know what else to say. She was still holding onto him, and he wrapped his arms around her. No wonder they loved her so much, he already wanted to keep her safe, as if she was his own little sister. 

 “Either one,” she said, “or both. I’m always a girl though. I just had to be Pidge for a while, and the name stuck. But Katie reminds me of home.” Shiro didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing, but if she told him this, he figured she wanted the reminder as much as the new identity. He wanted to tell her she could have both, she was one of the people who deserved it the most.

 “How about both?” Shiro asked. She looked up with the widest toothy grin before unwrapping her arms from him and leading him to the grave. 

  “Can I help you put the flowers down?” she asked. Shiro nodded in response. She was ginger in the way she picked them up, and he decorated the right while she did the left. 

  “Why paper?” she asked.

  “I swear he told you? Though my memory isn’t what it used to be,” it was less of a joke than it sounded. She only spoke when they both looked to grab more paper flowers. 

  “I want you to tell me,” Katie said, “I know what Dad and Matt said, but I want to hear it from you.” Shiro had been asked, and told pieces of what he figured was his story. It was fragmented, filled with memory gaps and parts he never wanted to trust, he never wanted it to be his. But he did owe her whatever truth he had, because she was Katie Holt, because she needed it more than anyone. 

 “I used to teach my brother--” Shiro took a few more flowers -- “he’d have rather punched something. So I sat him down, and told him something I barely remember. He wanted to learn, so I taught him. I was a worse brother then, so I’d always try and one up my own student. I learned to fold with him, even if we were at different levels. So I wanted something that was...part of a tree. For both of them.” 

 She was quiet again, but she put her hand on the shoulder where his prosthetic was. Intentional, definitely. She squeezed it lightly before removing it to finish covering two graves with paper flowers. 

 “Matt told me that,” she said, “about the tree stuff. I laughed then, but you always took it seriously. Dad must’ve liked it too, always such a geek about this stuff. That was the term he preferred for some reason, we all made fun of him for it…” She trailed off, and he didn’t prompt her to continue. He took some tissue out from his pocket, the ones he kept to clean up makeup. She mumbled something that resembled a  _ thanks _ , he didn’t ask for clarification. 

 “Hey,” she said, “can I crash at your place? I don’t wanna go crying on my roommates. One has  _ no  _ respect for privacy, and will tell my other friend, and I just...don’t want to talk with them about it. “

 “You can,” Shiro said, “besides: I think we have a lot of catching up to do. Mind if I text my brother? We have leftover takeout.”

 “Good,” she laughed, “I can’t cook for shit.”

 “Language,” Shiro said, but that only caused her to laugh harder. There were tears still, and he didn’t even notice he was crying with her until she panicked about it. He didn’t know if it was happy or sad or anything in between, but he knew it was messy from the way it clouded his eyes and puffed his face. 

  “I miss them,” Shiro said. He thought it was quiet enough to say to himself, it wasn’t.

  “I miss them too,” Katie said, “we always will, won’t we?” Shiro nodded in agreement. She probably said her words before he got there, so she took some steps back for him to speak. He never had much to say since the first time, he would wax wonderful words if he could, but he couldn’t.

 “Hey. Samuel, Matt. I’ve said a lot and a little here,” Shiro chuckled again, it was too hollow for him to dwell on it, “you let me survive. You made me want to be something, and I thought it was achievable. I’m working at the post office, I go to therapy and there’s someone who I can say I’m working on trusting. But I see you now and I want to be  _ something  _ again. But I’m afraid I’ll forget and that I’ll remember at the same time. But I’m telling you: I won’t forget you. I love you, both in different ways, I won’t forget you. I won’t.” 

 He almost waited for some divine response. He didn’t get one. Instead he walked towards Katie, showed her the way he walked when he needed to remember. She dug her fists deeper into her cargo shorts for a brief moment when they passed through favorite spots. Shiro really was better at internalizing, though that wasn’t a good thing. 

 He realized he forgot to tell Keith three and a half seconds after he opened the door. Shiro didn’t expect either of them to look slack jawed. Keith was silent, Katie almost screamed before Shiro instinctively slammed the door to snap them out of it.

  “ _ Pidge? _ ” Keith raised his voice, “First my boyfriend then  _ Pidge?”  _

__ “You can Lance are dating? I knew it!” She grinned at the thought, “I’m happy for you dorks what the hell!” 

  “Language” Shiro said, “and she needs a place to stay without her friends worrying. I’ll explain after you two sleep. It’s past your bedtime.”

  “It’s literally 9 at night,” Keith said, “Pidge. Let’s watch something.”

 Pidge waggled her eyebrows, probably got that from Lance, “Let’s fu-- _ freaking  _ do this. Lost Tapes, X-Files, or this movie I showed Lance. It’s about space and aliens, it’s pretty fun. Trust me, you’ll  _ love  _ Barbarella.”

  “Lost Tapes,” Keith said, “then your movie. Shiro you should sleep.” Shiro looked between them, and Pidge went to the fridge before he could response. 

  “Sleep early, you’re the youth here. I’m just an old man with nothing to lose, not cool enough for you two,” Shiro leaned back, a little dramatic, but he was allowed to have some fun. 

  “You wanna join us?” Pidge asked.

 Shiro thought of someone who was probably planning to stay up later than those two and shook his head, “Not this time. I have to call someone to check in, have fun,  _ don’t  _ stay up too late.”

 “We’re not kids,” Keith grumbled, and Pidge nodded while putting food in the microwave.

 “You’re still little siblings in my heart,” Shiro said, “now go do your thing.” If he’d turned around, he would have seen Pidge smiling with tears in her eyes, Keith offering a shoulder pat. He only heard the bits of laughter and the words  _ if he calls me Katie, that’s my name too  _ and he knew they were going to be okay. 

 Allura on the other hand, he wasn’t so sure of. He checked her on his list of contacts, and pressed call. He didn’t know why he felt so nervous, it was a friend checking in on a friend, nothing unheard of. He checked on people all the time. 

 He didn’t know why her actually answered him startled him enough to nearly fall of the couch, but it did. She probably heard the thump on the ground, and he heard her giggle in a way that made him feel like he could do it again. He  _ wouldn’t  _ but he could. 

  “I wanted to ask if you were feeling better,” Shiro said, “and if you’d stop calling yourself a lazy lump.” 

  “I am feeling a bit better, I always do after getting things done. I was planning on heading home soon, Coran will probably have food for me to heat up. I’ve known him my whole life but I still have no idea when he sleeps,” so he was from there too. They did have similar accents, and Shiro knew he could do some research if he wanted to. He didn’t, he never considered himself the most trusting person in the world, but he wanted to give her that courtesy. Like he was a slightly better person than he actually was. 

  “I’ve known him for a year and I don’t know what he does, or his hiring policies, but he still functions, right?” Allura said a quiet  _ mhm  _ that made him feel closer to her. Like the noise was a secret the two of them shared. 

 “Anyways,” Allura said, “are you feeling well?” 

 “I am,” Shiro said, “I had an unexpected guest who knows my little brother. They’re watching some paranormal stuff. Kids these days…”

 “As if you’re much younger,” Allura kept a teasing tone. She was the one with the whole functioning thing down, at least when it came to appearances. 

 “You aren’t so old either,” Shiro said. 

 “I’m twenty seven years old,” Allura was lighthearted, “I believe I can say I’m getting up there.”

 “And I’m twenty five and no slouch. If you’re so old, why not take a break? Play golf?” He felt his expression change at the last part. He’d tried golf, he knew how to play it, but he also had a strange hatred towards it for no real reason. 

 “I still don’t understand that sport,” Allura grumbled, “Coran plays it every weekend but still manages to act younger than I feel.”

  “I have a younger brother,” Shiro laughed, “I get the feeling. But he’s mellowed out, before he was getting into fights and all. That’s when I laid down the law and said:  _ let’s drink tea or something when either of us are messed up _ . It’s about the only thing both of us really know how to make, but it’s us.”

  “I enjoy tea as well,” Allura said, “for Coran and I he always cooks traditional dishes. Even if I return from the office late, I say my prayers and eat what I used to. It’ll always be my last meal, the one thing I can keep with me in America.” 

 “It’s good you can, I think those are the things that keep us going. What we can hold onto. Do you think of it as a duty?” Shiro asked. 

 “Always,” Allura said, “something I can sacrifice for. Do you have things you view in the same way?”

  “Home was always linked to people, and I’ve lost homes,” Shiro said, “I’d do a lot to make them proud. I don’t want to let them down anymore.”

 “Oh Shiro,” Allura said, “I don’t think you ever were in the first place.” 


	4. distance/journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no chance! no way! i won't say it no, no!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAAA BOY im so late but the next chap will be up today its 1:18 pm i got this. enjoy!!!

 Shiro woke up without a memory of his dream. He had a feeling it wasn’t a nightmare, but he wasn’t sure if that was just wishful thinking. He looked down at his phone to check the time, and saw an ongoing phone call. With Allura. He felt the laughter bubble up in his chest: they both fell asleep on the line. She probably wasn’t awake yet, so he reached to end the call.

 “Goodbye,” Shiro said, and let himself press the end call button. It was around seven, he had work in an hour. Knowing how late both of them had probably stayed up, he made sure to stay quiet when he threw on some clothes, applied eyeliner, and went to work. He tried not to smile too much when he saw Allura’s address on his rounds. Cindy might have gave him a knowing look. Shiro might have ignored it. 

 She wasn’t there when he knocked on the door, so he slid the mail in the slot of her apartment. She was busy, might have even slept at her office, her job sounded like a lot of work. He finished the rest of his deliveries with relative ease, only a little jolted when he saw dogtags on people who had never known trauma. He might even be able to work through it. 

 He tried not to think too hard when every time he stopped by Allura’s building before therapy, or that she didn’t answer the few texts he sent. He saw Katie more often, when she was Katie Holt and Pidge Gunderson. Keith and her hung out a lot, sometimes in Skype calls with Lance. Lance, who screamed when he saw Shiro come in. Shiro explained some things, did a couple not so subtle threats, and saw Lance in person a day later. Shiro even went to Safeway when he didn’t have to for way too many boxes of tea. Keith used it up with the strange amount of guests he had, so Shiro definitely had an excuse.

 When he went to therapy, she never showed up. Shiro wished he wasn’t so obvious when he looked at the opening door, kept a part of him there so he could listen. She never came, so he listened to stories of grief and tried to guide them through it. If her presence was here, if a part of her could see this, he’d be grateful. Though he was being too sentimental, it certainly can’t hurt him (it will). Shiro went up to the break room to see if she was looking for Coran (she wasn’t). Lance had been about to finish his energy bar and was already rushing out the door. Shiro couldn’t remember any of their brief conversation other than the fact it was pleasant. 

 He fell asleep before Keith came home, at least he thought he did. Keith left once, maybe twice? But Shiro let himself sleep. This was probably what the whole taking care of himself thing was about, and he just wanted to feel rested. More sleep might help with that. 

 It didn’t. He felt just as tired as before. He woke up to a day off, he only realized he’d slept for fifteen hours when he checked the time. Noon, he fell asleep at around nine. Keith had probably gone to class, and Shiro saw the blanket after he checked his phone. His little brother spoiled him too much whenever he got the chance.

 Shiro wasn’t that hungry, but he poured himself a bowl of cereal and checked his phone again. He never was this compulsive about it, he tried to put it aside and watch more Project Runway. He still found himself checking his phone whenever someone was saying something annoying. He’d answer texts from various people, but never Allura. 

 Sunday night, after Shiro told Keith not to worry about staying at a friend’s place and Lance to be careful with his little brother, he got a phone call. Naturally, Shiro didn’t look at caller ID before he picked up the phone. 

 “Hello,” Allura said, “I think I’m slightly intoxicated.”

 “Why?” Shiro asked. Maybe if he wasn’t disoriented he’d have better questions, but he’d settle for her voice. 

 “Becauze...it’s the anniversary. Of his death. It’s next week and I wanna go  _ home  _ but it isn’t there anymore,” if Shiro heard her choke on a sob, he’d never mention it. Even when she was sober and apologizing, he just took a deep breath.

 “Can you take a day off?” Shiro asked. He quickly realized it wasn’t the right answer when he heard dry laughter.

  “Shiro, shiro, my country’s fucking  _ gone.  _ Altea’s dust. He died protecting a country and it didn’t matter and I can’t tell anyone because I just wanted to be  _ normal!  _ I haven’t b’n normal since I was born and I can’t even grieve right I just want to go home I just want to go home…” he heard a louder sob and felt his body go stiff. He knew, he knew what he had to do. He was in a warzone, but she was born in one. 

  “Are you h--at your apartment?” Shiro put on a jacket, made sure he looked decent enough to go outside.

 “Yesss, but it doesn’t  _ matter  _ because it’s not Altea...it’ll never be…” Shiro redid his eyeliner and was out the door before he could even speak. He had to stall her, make sure she stayed in one place. She was grieving, and she couldn’t drink herself to death. He’d known people who did, couldn’t remember when it ended well. If it did. 

 He’d get there faster by running, so he’d babble words to keep her distracted. Shiro even spoke random phrases in Japanese so she could ask what he was saying instead of taking another drink. Anything helped, anything at this point. 

 Shiro knocked on the door four times before Allura opened it. Her hair was sticking out of her ponytail, lipstick smudged and faded. He could smell liquor on her breath and knew he’d have to get it away from her. 

 She was strong enough to try and close to door and he was fast enough to get in. Shiro didn’t like being forceful, but he needed to help her help herself. The first thing he did was dump out the the alcohol into the sink, despite her attempts to force him not to. She was uncoordinated, stumbling, so he led her to the living room. Allura sunk down into a seat without him having to prompt her. He sat on the floor next to her.

 “You can’t do this to yourself, you know that better than anyone,” Shiro said.

 “Why not,” Allura’s blue eyes went cold, “it’s not like I have anyone except Coran. But he was the one in  _ love  _ with Father, so what the hell can I say?”

 “You have me,” Shiro said, “I lost my family too.”

 “You never...mentioned it,” Allura looked down, away from Shiro.

 “That’s why Keith and I live together,” Shiro said, “our parents died a few years after he was adopted. I was in high school, he was in middle school. I went to the military for the benefits, and that’s when I met the Holts. I thought...I  _ wanted   _ them to be. They were, and then they died.”

  “Did you see it?” Allura asked. There was a heaviness in her voice that said she saw her father die. Shiro knew he couldn’t say anything but the truth.

 “The last time I saw them,” Shiro said, “we were prisoners of war. I lost an arm. Matt was bleeding out, Samuel had been dead. I saw him hanging there, like a slab of meat. I wish I wasn’t the last person either of them saw. They deserved their family, their  _ real  _ family.”

 “Weren’t you already their family?” Allura asked, “All of Altea was mine. I was taught to care for them like they were my own, I don’t think anyone realized how much grieving I’ve had to do.”

  “I don’t know,” Shiro noticed himself choking up, “I wish I knew. What to say, how to save them. I think about them, and I wish I could stay in that moment so I could fix it. But I can’t.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” Allura asked. 

  “Because I need to assure you you’re not alone,” Shiro said.

   “ _ Dammit _ ,” Allura said, “fucking shit. Why? Why are you like this I don’t deserve it you’re actually--”

  “I’m not that great of a person you know--” Shiro turned towards her-- “I’m selfish, I don’t want to give anything up and I want to move on. You don’t see how hard you work, and what you offered me and initiated. I’m here, and I’m not leaving.” 

  He didn’t expect the hug. Or the sobbing, or the fact that he was tearing up too. He pretended he didn’t see her cry, and she did the same for him. When her voice was hoarse, he got her a cup of water. 

  “I want to leave,” she said.

  “Have you heard of Project Runway?” Shiro asked, “I have it on my laptop. It’s not home, but we can come over there.”

  “Anything’s better than here right now,” Allura said, “let me get ready.” 

  Shiro let himself reapply his eyeliner, and Allura fixed her makeup and hair. It was, he realized, her battle armor for interaction. For anything, really. He waited for her to take her purse and lock the door before helping her with directions. She didn’t go for her car, and Shiro knew it was because she put others’ lives above her own. 

 They didn’t speak much, because she was sobering up and he was letting himself breathe. Neither of them asked the other questions, there was a lot of soul baring, and there might be more. For now, they both needed rest. 

When they got to his place, no one else was there. Keith had work, and Katie hadn’t randomly shown up from the window. Shiro didn’t want to do any explaining. Instead he turned on his laptop, set up season six of Project Runway, and made sure to bring Allura more water. 

 “Did you eat anything?” Shiro asked.

 “Don’t feel like it,” Allura said, “plus I have a feeling you’re not a stellar cook. All you bought at Safeway was tea.”

  “You noticed me?” Shiro asked.

  “Listen…” Allura said, the slur more obvious than before, “how  _ wouldn’t  _ I notice a beautiful man buying nothing but tea at the self check out.”

  “I am going to pretend you never said that,” Shiro said. He spent more time meandering in the kitchen, heating up leftovers, and staying a minute longer. Oh  _ god _ he couldn’t get the blush off his face, he was acting like a boy with a crush. A crush. 

 Shiro held back the groan, instead playing Project Runway. He definitely wasn’t flustered when their hands brushed, or when she put her head on his shoulder. He didn’t even mind the alcohol on her breath. But even those feelings were pushed in the back burner the moment Allura started talking shit about designs. Shiro felt a natural instinct to join in, and he followed that instead of whatever feelings he had. 

 Shiro made sure she ate everything on her plate, drank more water, and that she didn’t think too much about what she lost. She was farther away from her home than she’d ever been, but this was also the farthest she’d ever be. Her life didn’t end in Altea, and he hoped she’d learn to see it that way. He had hopes for himself, too, but those were much more selfish. 

 He didn’t realize she fell asleep until he got irritated at who got booted off and she didn’t respond. He closed his laptop and gently put it down on the floor. She could sleep on his bed, he’d passed out enough on the couch to get used to it. Shiro tried to move, and felt little resistance. Shiro did not expect to be caught mid carry by his brother. 

 “Shiro--” Keith shut the door -- “what the hell happened?”

 Shiro made a shushing motion before finishing bringing Allura to his room. Keith might have snorted when he put the effort into tucking her in. Shiro might have given him the bird, and shooed Keith away when he snorted even louder. Shiro made sure to shut the door behind him and go to the living room before talking. 

 “She didn’t want to be in her apartment,” Shiro said, “grieving.” 

  “I get it,” Keith said, “is she gonna be okay?”

  “Yeah,” Shiro said, “I hope so.”

  “Are  _ you  _ gonna be okay?” Keith asked.

  “I’ll try,” Shiro said. For the second time that day, he was enveloped in a hug. Keith was never a big hugger in the past, and now he preferred more casual touch. So this was something he wanted to hold on, something Shiro would try and hold onto. 

 “I wish things were okay,” Shiro said. He tried and failed not to choke on the words.

 “They will be,” Keith said, and only hugged him tighter. Which led to Shiro hugging him in what Keith would accuse as a bear hug. Which led to tacking and play fighting on the living room, and a lot of cursing and a lot of laughter. Neither of them kept track of the time, or noticed Allura was awake until she laughed so hard she snorted. 

 “This makes me wish I had siblings,” she said, “but it doesn’t matter. I bet I can beat you both.” Keith didn’t expect to be lifted off of Shiro and placed down, and Shiro  _ definitely  _ didn’t expect the same done for him. 

 “You know,” Allura laughed, “if I can lift you so easily, I bet I can become an arm wrestling champion.”

  “Oh you’re  _ on, _ ” Shiro said. Keith went on his phone, which was rare, but he figured he was making plans with his new friends. But he was enthusiastic when he went against Allura, even when he lost he asked about her regimen. She put her number in her contacts and texted him while Shiro went up against his brother. Keith still lost, demanded a rematch, then said he bet he could win against Lance. Shiro didn’t doubt that for a second. 

 In the end, it was Shiro against Allura. He looked at her, she looked at him. He avoided looking at her because she was way too pretty for her own good and he hated himself for thinking it. He made sure to use his lighter arm, and she matched him. 

 It was a tight match for about thirty seconds. Then she slammed his hand to the ground and let out a victory cheer. Keith took a photo on his phone, which Shiro tried to grab before Allura shook her head and said something along the lines of  _ don’t be a sore loser _ . He wasn’t that sore, because laughter bubbled up in his chest. 

  “Can we watch more of that television show?” Allura asked.

 “Of course,” Shiro said. Keith smiled before saying he had to go to class. Shiro didn’t know he had late classes, he hoped Keith wasn’t overworking himself. That was Shiro’s job. 

 When Allura asked if she could have some tea, Shiro nearly choked. But he made it for her even though she insisted on doing  _ something _ . He made sure she sat down under the excuse of her sobering up. She didn’t believe him, and that made two of them. He didn’t know how long they watched until he needed to turn on the lights. 

 “I could go back,” Allura said. 

 “Are you sure? You said you needed to get away, I want you to stay safe,” he said. 

 “I want to have an Altean dinner,” Allura said, “but thank you Shiro, for everything. Besides, you did dispose of  _ all  _ my alcohol.”

  “And for a good reason too,” Shiro said. She looked away but he could see her nod, it was refreshing being right for once. She reached to squeeze his hand and ended up grasping metal. 

 “You didn’t cheat,” Allura chuckled, and Shiro released a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

 “You still won though,” Shiro said, turning off his laptop. 

  “That I did--” Allura picked up her things, and for once didn’t bother neatening herself up-- “I texted Coran to pick me up. I should get going.” 

  He didn’t say goodbye until he opened the door for her, saw her smile, and had a feeling he was a little bit smitten. Shiro left the door open a little bit longer than needed, and if he heard the loud  _ fuck?  _ He pretended he didn’t. 

 Keith came home two hours later, neither of them were hungry. Keith did homework on the couch, Shiro might have dissociated a bit before going to bed. At least, that’s what Keith told him. Shiro should  _ not  _ have gone to his bed. He was too flustered to go to sleep for a while, but he did. His dreams were much less pleasant. 

_ “You know, our family’s pretty welcoming.” _

_  “I know there’s Samuel, who’s on recon, and Katie and your mother…” _

_  “Her name’s Linda, your memory’s ridiculous sometimes.” _

_  “Not as ridiculous as you.” _

_  “But I did have a point, as I always do before you interrupt me.” _

_  “Did you now?” _

_  “I did. My point was that you and your brother, they’re alone right? Well once everything works out, we can get together and become a larger family.” _

_  “You’re acting like we’ll stay together.” _

_  “Didn’t you know? I have a crystal ball, and I can see us. You meeting my mom and sister, you’ll love them. Your brother meeting Katie, and Mom. I love you Takashi, I want to go through the journey home with you.” _

_  “I love you too. I don’t know what to say I don’t…” _

_  “Shit! Don’t choke up please don’t…” _

_  “I won’t, I just...wow.” _

_  “You won’t abandon me?” _

_  “What? This isn’t how it go--” _

_  “How do you know? You just wanted to forget so you could move on. You never loved me or Dad.” _

_  “No, no, I did I don’t know what I’m doing I won’t forget please--” _

_  “You already have though. The moment that woman came in, you’re going to forget us. You’re never supposed to forget us.” _

_  “Samuel?” _

_  “I wish my children never met you, all you’ve given them is misery. What did you think was going to happen, they’re dreamers. But you, you should know better.”  _

_  “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, please I don’t want you to die please!” _

_  “It’s too late Takashi.” _

_  “It’s too late, Shiro.” _

__ **_“It’s too late priso--”_ **

 

 Shiro woke up with a scream and the sound of his world falling apart. He had to find something, he had to speak with them. It had been years, and the cemetery was far. He had to go, he had to, had to, had to. 


	5. parent/home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh shit indeed my man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't want to do woefully inaccurate google translate nor did i want to skim over the fact that shiro speaks japanese, so i did it all in italics for the beginning person. PLEASE tell me if i screwed up or any other issues, this is for day 5 parents/home, i hope you enjoy!!

 It was three buses, a phone call asking for the day off, and a mile of walking before he reached the memorial. No one was here in the early mornings, so Shiro was alone, facing a slab of rock with his parents’ names among many, many others. Maybe that was one aspect he envied the Holts for was the fact their family had real graves. Keith never went here, and before Shiro knew it they grieved in their apartment rather than visit here. But this time was different. He needed answers for something he with he knew less and more about at the same time. So he found their names and stood in front of them. 

 He stood there for a while, not sure where to start or end. Shiro was never all that good at either, it was the middle he was most suited for. But this was all him, it couldn’t be any other way. He wouldn’t have it any other way, at least he thought he did. 

 Shiro took the day off as insurance policy, in case he dissociated for more than an hour. He’d memorized the way back a long time, but just in case he set a GPS and a map on his phone so he’d see them right away. For early mornings, that was just for the sake of both paranoia and privacy. Shiro, Takashi Shirogane, was as ready as he’d ever be. That didn’t stop him from taking a few deep breaths, and focusing in on two small names on a large, white lettered black slabbed, almost eternal memorial. 

 “Hey Mom, Dad,” Shiro said, “It’s just me today. Guess...I should speak in Japanese. Sorry if I don’t know the words, Keith and I are rusty. I’ve learned longer, but he started taking it again in school. But anyways, I’ll start talking seriously now.”

 “ _ Keith is good. He started college a little while back, he’s been working hard. Found new friends, even a boyfriend who I can tell means the world to him. Of course I didn’t tell him his boyfriend was also the guy who helped with my physical therapy until it was too late, and that turned out a lot less messy than it should have. Maybe it’s the...Allura charm. Wow. That sounds sappy, _ ” Shiro had to look away. Why was it that every time he mentioned her he made a complete mess out of himself. He was totally okay with this.  _ Totally _ .

_ “She’s my friend, from the therapy I was convinced to join. I didn’t want to see nightmares and I didn’t want to burden a soul about this that I knew. But now I know her and I feel guilty for doing so. Because...Matt and Samuel don’t just go away because my stupid heart wants to go after someone else. I had a dream about them, saying everything I knew they’d say if they could see me. I wish I knew, I wish I knew how to be happy. Don’t blame yourselves for that, one son is happy, the other can make do. That reminds me of a show I watch now, somehow television is how I bond with people now.”  _ Shiro laughed at the last part, because it was completely true. Paranormal TV shows with Keith was a tradition at this point. He bonded with Lance over the fact they both watched a lot of romcoms, Lance who recommended Project Runway which led him to Allura. Why did it always go back to Allura?

 “ _ I know technically, the healthy thing would be to move on but I can’t. Maybe I don’t want to. I still love them, but I’m terrified if I try to...try to close my  _ wounds? Ugh.  _ If I do that, I’ll forget them and... _ desecrate  _ their memory. And that isn’t fair to them, or Katie, who I met and is practically my own sister, or anyone else who knew and loves the Holts. I don’t know if that counts as betrayal, but the thought terrifies me,”  _ they couldn’t respond to him. This was a memorial, whatever he wanted wouldn’t come. But a part of this was comforting, the fact he could see their names and speak to those, at the very least. Maybe he’d bring Keith another time, he thought his brother would be ready for this. 

 “ _ I’m lost. I’m lost, lost...and I don’t know what to do, _ ” Shiro didn’t mean to tear up, he really didn’t, “ _ I wish you were here. I wish everyone was here so I could do all this like a normal person.  _ I don’t want to do this right now.  _ If I were to fade  _ away  _ I believe it’d be better. I don’t think I need to be in a place where I have to abandon anyone. But I want to be better. Should I try? _ ” Shiro looked up, only to see a bird on the memorial. It gave what he assumed was a bird nod, and Shiro wouldn’t usually take that as a sign, maybe just validation that whatever he was doing was for the good of himself. He knew if anything like this was happening, he’d tell Katie, and Keith first. He didn’t know a thing more, except that he’d move forward, and that meant the weight of the world to him. 

“So, that’s the end I guess. Goodbye,  _ farewell _ .”  Shiro walked away. His tears would dry on their own, sort of like a song Keith used to play. Then he saw her, blinked, saw her again. She walked over to him holding flowers, he could hear her heels on the ground but not her voice. She took his wrist, and he let her lead him back to the memorial. She put the flowers where he stood a few minutes before, and looked at him.

 “Are you well?” she asked. He still didn’t know if he wanted to see her right now, if he should see her. Her fingers were still curled over his wrist, he let them stay there. 

 “I’m trying to be,” he said, “but I’m not sure taking the day off is a start.”

 “I believe it is,” Allura said, “though I’ll say you’ve been a bad influence. Here I am, on a weekday, not working. Would you still call me a lazy lump?”

 “The question is if you’d still call yourself that,” Shiro broke out into a smile, and she returned it with one of her own. Allura still managed to win out on something like smiles, how endearing. 

  “I still do,” Allura chuckled, “but consider it a secret between you, me, and the souls resting here.” She cocked her head towards the memorial, and really, Shiro could probably swoon in her arms and be okay with it. He was happy with this, but he didn’t want to be. He shouldn’t be. 

  “That aside, would you mind going on a ride with me?” Allura asked. She pulled out her keys and clicked a switch. Shiro looked to see her car, a nice black care, parked nearby. Not in the 30 minute slots, but in a meter that’s usually broken. Keith was the only one who could have told her this, he couldn’t believe it. But he could believe her car was there, and he didn’t resist following her. 

  “Get in the right side this time,” Shiro grinned. Allura glared at him before entering the left side of the car. They both buckled in before she started up the car. He looked out the window the entire time, and she didn’t ask questions. Keith might have also told her how he got carsick when he wasn’t the one in control, or Allura could have guessed. But even the silence made him feel a little more at home. 

  She parked the car at the pier, mixed with tour boats and immigration services. She paid for an amount he couldn’t see before walking to the right. He followed, and continued not asking questions. She’d tell him, at her own pace, with her own will. Shiro never liked to be forceful, which might be a problem in other circumstances, but it would be good here. 

 They ended up below the immigrations building, in front of a sealed off door to what he assumed was a service entrance. Allura stopped before taking off her shoes, laying them next to her. She untied her hair, let the hair tie wrap around her wrist. She ruffled up her hair a little before placing a hand on the door. 

 “This is where he sent me,” Allura said. It took him a moment to realize he meant the room he couldn’t see rather than the building this room was part of. 

 “Your father?” Shiro asked, he took another step towards her and the door. He waited for her to say he shouldn’t stand next to her, it never happened. 

  “Yes, he told me this was where things would change for me. When I escaped, I didn’t know who would come for me. He ruled the country, he made enemies that I both knew and were ignorant of. So I hid. I came to check the news, until the strife in Altea was sealed, and the offices here received notice from my father’s will. Then, I became Allura, a citizen of the United States,” Allura looked down. Shiro felt her hand lightly pound at the door, she didn’t specify how long she stayed here. But it was enough to last. She’d carried that paranoia since the moment she was sent away, perhaps earlier.

  “What about Coran?” Shiro asked. No one knew that much about Coran even though he ran an entire hospital, Allura was probably the one who knew the most. 

  “He’d gotten dual citizenship for diplomatic duties,” Allura sighed, “I was left out of the loop I suppose. A last minute thought.” She laughed, dry and bitter. She wouldn’t cry, but she’d look like she was on the brink of it. Allura looked at the door again, and Shiro knew he had to say something. 

  “I think they wanted to protect you,” like his parents protected their children, like Shiro tried to protect Keith. 

  “That’s probably the case, but it was also a matter of pride, and trust in the wrong people,” Allura said, “that’s why when I came here, I thought trust was weak. It was Coran who forced me into this therapy, I had coworkers and a boss and I had lunch with them but they’d never understand why forks clinking too loudly made me panic. When he said I needed to find people like me I thought he meant monsters…”

 Allura turned to look at Shiro, “I didn’t think they meant  _ you _ .” 

 Shiro was speechless, he tried to tear his eyes away and he couldn’t. The memories creeped back but he pushed them back as best he could. He needed to be present, in the present, whatever he needed for this moment. 

 “What...do you mean?” Shiro asked. He believed that was a good start. Really. Truly. 

 “Shiro,” as if his name meant something different, “Shiro, Shiro, I mean exactly what I said. I never thought I could meet someone like you, and I have and I’ve managed to make a complete  _ mess  _ of myself. But the point is, thank you for being there for me. I don’t know what you are to me or what I am to--”

 “I don’t know either,” Shiro damn near blurted out. And Allura  _ laughed _ , the snorting laugh he only heard the day before. Her hand on the door held her up, but she was shaking, and it was too infectious for Shiro not to laugh too. His laugh was ugly, not the one he used in conversation but it was his and hers and he knew she was something good in his life. Something, he didn’t know yet. But neither did she, but they took each other to homes they had and saw family they’d never met and it  _ worked _ . 

 She slid down to the ground, leaned her back against the door. He did the same, and if their hands brushed, neither of them moved them away. She sighed, more languid than before, and Shiro took a moment to look at her. Slightly disheveled due to her earlier actions, but she wasn’t trying to put herself together in a rush. Not like Safeway or in the hospital or in her apartment. He might have smudged his own eyeliner, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about it. It was just them. 

 “My mother was dead before a lot of this happened,” Allura said, “I remember the warmth of the person who taught me English along with Altean when I was a child. She always liked to do things herself, though the lifestyle she chose never quite suited that, she made it work. She took the excess and gave me exactly what I needed. So when I had nothing, I worked for what I thought I needed.” 

 “My parents died. I was biological, Keith was adopted. I knew he felt inadequate about it, and he was scared he’d be thrown into foster care again. I was eighteen, so he stayed with me through every school transfer and when I started training. It was only when I saw him again, after everything, that I realized I wanted to make him everything I need,” Shiro didn’t know why he started rambling again, but Allura didn’t seem to mind. She seemed focused on listening. 

 “You love him a lot, don’t you? He feels the same way, that you’re the best brother he could have asked for,” Allura smiled. Shiro felt a need to put his hand on her shoulder, so he did. 

 “I do. Love is a balance, of what comes out and comes in. Even if my parents died, they left me a brother I’d do anything for. Even though your parents died, they left you a man that loves you like his own child and a future you suspected you wouldn’t have,” Shiro tried not to fall into hand gestures, but he did, and he watched her eyes follow them. She didn’t laugh at them, so he kept them short. The longer they were, the more likely someone would laugh, and Shiro just laughed his lungs out probably. 

 “Parents are something else, aren’t they? A little selfish, a little selfless, I think that’s what makes the best ones,” Allura leaned her head back further against the door. He heard the soft  _ haaa  _ of her voice. 

 “I agree,” Shiro said, “but now we’re adults who everyone thinks have themselves together.”

 Allura shook her head, “You and Coran are the only ones who fully see through me, but Coran never confronts me about it. It’s too close to home in different ways.”

 “I don’t like burdening Keith either,” Shiro sighed, “he always feels a need to take care of me. But he has friends now, and I somehow have a little sister as well, so I guess it works.”

 “Little sister?” Allura asked.

 “A family member of my fellow…” Shiro trailed off, and Allura nodded, “...her name is Katie Holt, some people call her Pidge. I kept in touch with her for a while, and sometimes when I’m feeling selfish I consider her a part of my family. My home could become hers if she needs it.”

 “Oh,” Allura said, “I think I heard Keith say he was texting her at some point?”

 “What does he tell you?” Shiro asked.

 “That,” Allura gave a theatrical wink, “is a secret! But I did hear they were friends. With what I know, I think they both need friends.” 

  “They really do,” Shiro said, “the kids have a fun time. But us sad adults have each other, right?” Oh  _ shit _ . He smiled to hide how embarrassed he felt at his own embarrassment and hoped she wouldn’t notice it. 

 She smiled, “Yeah, we really do. Speaking of adulthood, I still need to clean up my place again. I’ll drop you off at your apartment?”

 “I’ll help you clean,” Shiro blurted. Again, managing to make a complete fool of himself. She didn’t seem to think so, as she began to insist that it’d be too much trouble. But Shiro was a soft persistence, because he really did want to help her. 

 “Fine,” Allura said, “but you will sit on the couch and look pre-- _ pretty Shiro _ . You got it?”

 “Of course,” Shiro’s grin widened, and she tactfully ignored it as they walked back to her car. Again, he stared out the window, and she drove in silence. He could get used to this, he could seriously get used to this. 

 When they got into her apartment, he started sorting things out before she could say  _ quiznak _ . Eventually, it became a competition on who could do more, for each other, for cleaning the apartment. Shiro felt years younger, and from the look on Allura’s face, he’d say she carried similar sentiments. 

 How it worked: they wore themselves out more in the competition than the cleaning. She said the post office was closer to her place than his, texted Keith in his stead (as if he was drunk, which he wasn’t), and asked him to stay. He couldn’t even say no if he wanted to leave. In the middle of the night, he got up for a cup of water, still in a cold sweat from a dream he couldn’t remember.

 He had water in his hands that he almost dropped when he saw her. She had fallen asleep on a chair a few minutes after he passed out on the couch. Her murmurs were thick with grogginess, and she took a few steps forward. Allura kissed Shiro at twelve in the morning, tasting of almost morning breath and toothpaste. Then she walked away as if she’d talked about the weather. Shiro felt his knees go weak, and at something so  _ simple _ of all things. He really was some form of screwed over.      


End file.
